First off, thank you to everyone for your very kind comments! We were excited to share our story with others and so are thankful that it was so well received.
Thanks for the questions, here are my answers (Dave will chime in when he wants):
1) Will you be remaining in contact with the birth parents?
Sadly, no. In fact, we did not even meet them. They have chosen to keep the adoption essentially “closed” with no visits or updates (to help with their grief and our attachment with Anaya). At first, you may think this is a great thing. When we first started the adoption process we too sort of hoped for a closed adoption…however, our opinions have changed. We’ve come to realize the importance of the birth family, Anaya will always be a part of them whether or not they see her, and we would love to strengthen that connection in a healthy way for all persons involved. The more people to love a child, the better! We hope that one day they will desire to have some involvement with Anaya.
2) Are you still going to your fertility appointment?
Yes. We are still interested to hear the results of our tests and what the possible options could be. We would still love to experience pregnancy…though we won’t pursue any treatments for at least 9 months or so in order to give us at least a year with just Anaya.
Dave: I’m interested in knowing but I’m still ‘out to lunch’ to whether I want to pursue fertility treatment as it takes a heavy toll on individuals and the married couple alike – both physically and emotionally. I would love for Jen to experience pregnancy but at what cost? Catch my drift?
3) What advice or cautions would you have for other couples considering Foster-to-Adopt?
Great question! First off, take your time researching options…look at international adoption and ‘regular’ local adoption as well as Foster-to-Adopt (FTA). Take in the information session offered for FTA. Ask questions. Get some understanding on some of the most common things that you might encounter (FASD, drug abuse, etc). Go into it with your eyes open.
We recently read a shocking story from the US about a woman who adopted a 7yr old boy from Russia. He obviously had some major attachment and behavioral problems due to his upbringing in an orphanage. The woman stated that she “wanted a child to love”. When he came she was overwhelmed by his ‘issues’ and SENT HIM BACK with a note saying that she could not love this child!! Appalling! But, an important lesson is learnt. When you sign up for FTA you have to sign up knowing there will be some extra challenges. What encouraged us to continue pursuing FTA is the amazing supports that are offered-access to courses, counseling, respite care and even financial assistance. I think one of the main problems with the woman from the US is that she didn’t ask for help! None of us can raise a child on our own, it ‘takes a village’!
What I’m trying to say is that to do FTA you have to be able to say “yes” to a child with special needs, you will not get that “perfect child”. If that’s what you’re looking for, look elsewhere. That said, you are given a list of possible disorders etc that a child could have and you decide what you are willing to accept, so you can place some boundaries. We were pretty open, but we also said ‘no’ to a few things.
However, don’t let the ‘special needs’ scare you off and don’t read TOO much information on all the different disorders…I think sometimes we try to ‘fix’ everything and end up focusing on the disability, rather than on the abilities of the child. The pediatrician that we met told us to put the books away, the thing Anaya needs most from us is TLC (tender loving care). Cross the bridges of challenge when you get to them. In the meantime, rejoice in her successes. I love that philosophy and it’s how we hope to face the future with Anaya.
4) Does she feel like your own child?
This is a bit hard to answer. For me, there wasn’t an instant connection like I’ve heard that there is with biological children. Maybe it’s because I work with babies and am used to keeping myself from an emotional connection. However, as the days pass I find I am more and more in love with her. We’ve spent (and will continue to spend) a lot of time holding her or at least having her next to us in order to promote attachment. I know that in time she will be just as much ‘mine’ as a child that came from my womb. That is the beauty of adoption-Anaya is “ours”, she became ours the moment the papers were signed. That won’t change. If you want more to read on this concept, again I recommend Russell Moore’s book.
Dave: Yes! It was almost instantaneous. My desire was to be a father and it didn’t matter if that was through having our own biological children or if we adopted. I know some people struggle with this and can’t embrace adoption.
The hardest thing for me during this whole process was the attitude that some people had towards it. I would often have people ask this question or tell me that ‘they are praying that we can have our own kids too.’ Thank you for praying for us but I don’t see the difference. This just shows the attitude that some have: biological is better than adopted. Maybe God wired me differently or gave me an extra measure of grace, so that this wasn’t a problem. Anaya is my child and I will love her, protect her, disciple her, care for her until God calls one of us home.

In Alberta there are only a few adoption agencies-Adoption Options, Adoption by Choice and Christian Adoption Services are the main ones. I made some phone calls and began filling out an application. One nice summer day, we were at a friends place for a BBQ where we began talking about the adoption process. Our friend then told us about a program that stirred in us great excitement…a program called ‘Foster-to-Adopt’ through Alberta Children’s Services. We were intrigued and so we attended an information session at the end of August. We learned that the children (usually infants) were apprehended from their parents for various reasons-alcohol and drug abuse, known inability to care for their children (often multiple pregnancies without custody of any of the children), mental disorders, etc. Such a child would be placed in your home as a ‘foster’ child while permanent guardianship (PGO) was requested from a judge. We were told it could take up to a year for this to happen and there was a legal risk, which meant that a judge could decide at that time to give the child back to the birth parent(s). If the PGO is approved, you move on to adopt the child. The idea is to promote permanency and prevent children from bouncing around between homes. As well, we were told that very few children are ‘taken back’. Becoming a part of the program meant that we had to be willing to accept that risk, as well as to accept the fact that the child would have some ‘issue’ such as FASD, behavior/learning problems, drug withdrawal, family history of mental illness, abuse, etc. Perhaps it was God’s previous preparation of our hearts or perhaps it was something else, but we came home after that information night very excited. This was the right program for us.






