Commentary on the Ordinary

First off, thank you to everyone for your very kind comments! We were excited to share our story with others and so are thankful that it was so well received.

Thanks for the questions, here are my answers (Dave will chime in when he wants):

1) Will you be remaining in contact with the birth parents?

Sadly, no. In fact, we did not even meet them. They have chosen to keep the adoption essentially “closed” with no visits or updates (to help with their grief and our attachment with Anaya). At first, you may think this is a great thing. When we first started the adoption process we too sort of hoped for a closed adoption…however, our opinions have changed. We’ve come to realize the importance of the birth family, Anaya will always be a part of them whether or not they see her, and we would love to strengthen that connection in a healthy way for all persons involved. The more people to love a child, the better! We hope that one day they will desire to have some involvement with Anaya.

2) Are you still going to your fertility appointment?

Yes. We are still interested to hear the results of our tests and what the possible options could be. We would still love to experience pregnancy…though we won’t pursue any treatments for at least 9 months or so in order to give us at least a year with just Anaya.

Dave: I’m interested in knowing but I’m still ‘out to lunch’ to whether I want to pursue fertility treatment as it takes a heavy toll on individuals and the married couple alike – both physically and emotionally. I would love for Jen to experience pregnancy but at what cost? Catch my drift?

3) What advice or cautions would you have for other couples considering Foster-to-Adopt?

Great question! First off, take your time researching options…look at international adoption and ‘regular’ local adoption as well as Foster-to-Adopt (FTA). Take in the information session offered for FTA. Ask questions. Get some understanding on some of the most common things that you might encounter (FASD, drug abuse, etc). Go into it with your eyes open.

We recently read a shocking story from the US about a woman who adopted a 7yr old boy from Russia. He obviously had some major attachment and behavioral problems due to his upbringing in an orphanage. The woman stated that she “wanted a child to love”. When he came she was overwhelmed by his ‘issues’ and SENT HIM BACK with a note saying that she could not love this child!! Appalling! But, an important lesson is learnt. When you sign up for FTA you have to sign up knowing there will be some extra challenges. What encouraged us to continue pursuing FTA is the amazing supports that are offered-access to courses, counseling, respite care and even financial assistance. I think one of the main problems with the woman from the US is that she didn’t ask for help! None of us can raise a child on our own, it ‘takes a village’!

What I’m trying to say is that to do FTA you have to be able to say “yes” to a child with special needs, you will not get that “perfect child”. If that’s what you’re looking for, look elsewhere. That said, you are given a list of possible disorders etc that a child could have and you decide what you are willing to accept, so you can place some boundaries. We were pretty open, but we also said ‘no’ to a few things.

However, don’t let the ‘special needs’ scare you off and don’t read TOO much information on all the different disorders…I think sometimes we try to ‘fix’ everything and end up focusing on the disability, rather than on the abilities of the child. The pediatrician that we met told us to put the books away, the thing Anaya needs most from us is TLC (tender loving care). Cross the bridges of challenge when you get to them. In the meantime, rejoice in her successes. I love that philosophy and it’s how we hope to face the future with Anaya.

4) Does she feel like your own child?

This is a bit hard to answer. For me, there wasn’t an instant connection like I’ve heard that there is with biological children. Maybe it’s because I work with babies and am used to keeping myself from an emotional connection. However, as the days pass I find I am more and more in love with her. We’ve spent (and will continue to spend) a lot of time holding her or at least having her next to us in order to promote attachment. I know that in time she will be just as much ‘mine’ as a child that came from my womb. That is the beauty of adoption-Anaya is “ours”, she became ours the moment the papers were signed. That won’t change. If you want more to read on this concept, again I recommend Russell Moore’s book.

Dave: Yes! It was almost instantaneous.  My desire was to be a father and it didn’t matter if that was through having our own biological children or if we adopted. I know some people struggle with this and can’t embrace adoption.

The hardest thing for me during this whole process was the attitude that some people had towards it. I would often have people ask this question or tell me that ‘they are praying that we can have our own kids too.’ Thank you for praying for us but I don’t see the difference.  This just shows the attitude that some have: biological is better than adopted.   Maybe God wired me differently or gave me an extra measure of grace, so that this wasn’t a problem.  Anaya is my child and I will love her, protect her, disciple her, care for her until God calls one of us home.

This is the third of three blog posts that detail our adoption journey (Part 1 // Part 2 ). We have tried to answer a lot of the questions that most people have asked regarding the process and why we chose to adopt. If you have any further questions, please leave them as a comment below and we’ll have a fourth post to answer those. Questions pertaining to Anaya’s birth family can’t be answered due to confidentiality.

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January was a quiet month. We were waiting for our home study to be approved and for our file to be passed to a caseworker. We were also waiting for our tests to be completed at the fertility clinic.

Mid-February we met our caseworker. She had us sign a few papers and spent some time getting to know us. She told us that we would be getting our official license in the mail in the next week or so and that the process can be ‘very quick’ so to be ready. What? We were thrown into a bit of a panic! Quickly, we bought a used crib and a cheap change table, just in case.

In the meantime, our fertility tests were completed and we were told that our follow-up appointment would be in May. Are you serious??? MAY? Good grief. I was feeling very frustrated by the whole fertility road. On the one hand, I want to know if there’s something simple we can change so that we can conceive, but on the other hand, I’ve started to become more and more disinterested in treatments. After working in the NICU for the past year, I have seen several situations, which have made me uncertain about the ethics of fertility treatment. I know that there are ways to do it ethically, but I’m personally not comfortable with it. As well, I really am not interested in all of the side effects of many of the drugs involved. To me, I’m just as happy to adopt, so I don’t feel the need to force my body to produce.  It’s a personal choice for each, and we haven’t yet closed that door, but that’s where we’re at for now.

So…March 11 we got our license for Foster-to-Adopt in the mail. What excitement! We were overjoyed…and a bit scared. Little did we know that we would get a phone call five days later about a newborn baby girl. I was asleep at home, having worked a night shift and Dave got the call at work. I can remember Dave coming into our room (which he never does when I’m sleeping) and he said, “We got a phone call”. “What?” I said, “are you serious?”… “Yes, it’s a little girl who was born on Friday (Mar. 12). They think she might have Down Syndrome and if she does, her parents want to give her up for adoption.” Long pause. Dave and I stare wide-eyed at each other. My brain is reeling…the room was just painted, still a mess. I hadn’t even mentioned anything to my boss about our situation. But, my heart had melted already. I could tell Dave’s eyes that his had too. We wanted this little girl. We had to decide that day. After some frantic calls to our parents and to my boss we talked it over. We were definitely interested, we weren’t ready, but we knew we could get ready in a hurry. However, we didn’t want to take her for a week (while the genetic testing was being completed) and then have to give her back if the test was negative. We decided to ask if she could be placed in a temporary foster home and then if the test was positive, we wanted her. Our caseworker agreed that this was probably a wise situation as it was a very ‘high risk’ situation.

And so we waited. Very anxiously, mind you, but we waited nonetheless.  The next Tuesday we got another phone call (Dave answered again). The baby girl indeed had Down Syndrome and her parents would give her up for adoption. However, we would not be able to take her right away. Now that it was a straight adoption, there was a different ‘process’ to follow. Her parents would be given a few profiles of families to choose from. The baby’s caseworker was going on vacation for a week. More and more waiting. It was killer!! What a roller coaster…thinking she would be ours, then having to wait more. Each day we hoped for a phone call or an email and nothing. Several nights I went to bed with a heavy heart and tears in my eyes. All Dave and I could do was pray, hope and wait. Our caseworker finally said that a decision should be made by Friday, April 9^th. We anxiously awaited a phone call, desperately wanting closure on the subject. No phone call, no email. And of course, on the weekends there would be nothing. We thought hope was lost. We began to ready ourselves to move on.

Monday morning at 8:30 we got another phone call. Once again, Dave answered. We were chosen. Really? Honest? Yes. Hooray!!! Joy flooded our hearts. Finally! All the waiting and heartache was forgotten. I went to work that night with a bag full of treats and a huge smile on my face. It was time to celebrate! But, the waiting was not yet over. A meeting was set up for Friday, April 16^th with our case worker and the baby’s case worker. Finally, Friday arrived. Everything looked positive. We were so excited. The baby’s case worker wanted us to take time over the weekend to make an informed decision. Our choice was already made, we had made it all the way back in March. We wanted this precious girl. Meetings were arranged for the next week.

Monday, April 19^th we met the baby’s foster mom. She was very kind and had only good things to say of the baby. We were so excited, we could barely stand it. We still had not met our soon to be daughter, but we loved her so much already. On Tuesday, we met the pediatrician that assessed her in the hospital at birth. He also was very positive and warm. He welcomed our questions and encouraged us about the joys of raising a child with special needs.

Finally, finally Wednesday, April 21^st we finally met our daughter!!! We spent four hours with her-holding, feeding, bathing, walking. She was perfect. Plus, it turns out that her foster mom has relatives at our church. God works in wonderful and mysterious ways!

And on Thursday, April 22^nd we became parents. We brought our daughter home. We’ve decided to keep her birth name as her middle name. Even though God chose us to raise her, we know that they are still a part of her life and we wanted to honor that. We’ve changed her first name to Anaya, which is Hebrew for God answered-we know that she has come as an answer to our prayers. We feel that Anaya is also an example of how God has answered ALL of our prayers as we’ve come into His family as adopted children. Our hearts are full!

This is the second of three blog posts that detail our adoption journey (Part 1 is here). We have tried to answer a lot of the questions that most people have asked regarding the process and why we chose to adopt. If you have any further questions, please leave them as a comment below and we’ll have a fourth post to answer those. Questions pertaining to Anaya’s birth family can’t be answered due to confidentiality.

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In Alberta there are only a few adoption agencies-Adoption Options, Adoption by Choice and Christian Adoption Services are the main ones. I made some phone calls and began filling out an application. One nice summer day, we were at a friends place for a BBQ where we began talking about the adoption process. Our friend then told us about a program that stirred in us great excitement…a program called ‘Foster-to-Adopt’ through Alberta Children’s Services. We were intrigued and so we attended an information session at the end of August. We learned that the children (usually infants) were apprehended from their parents for various reasons-alcohol and drug abuse, known inability to care for their children (often multiple pregnancies without custody of any of the children), mental disorders, etc. Such a child would be placed in your home as a ‘foster’ child while permanent guardianship  (PGO) was requested from a judge. We were told it could take up to a year for this to happen and there was a legal risk, which meant that a judge could decide at that time to give the child back to the birth parent(s). If the PGO is approved, you move on to adopt the child. The idea is to promote permanency and prevent children from bouncing around between homes. As well, we were told that very few children are ‘taken back’. Becoming a part of the program meant that we had to be willing to accept that risk, as well as to accept the fact that the child would have some ‘issue’ such as FASD, behavior/learning problems, drug withdrawal, family history of mental illness, abuse, etc. Perhaps it was God’s previous preparation of our hearts or perhaps it was something else, but we came home after that information night very excited. This was the right program for us.

You may think we were crazy to accept the legal risk, or you may have a hard time understanding why we WANTED a child with ‘special needs’. I’ve written about it before, but I guess I just feel that we in North America have become far too demanding when it comes to kids. We demand from God when we don’t want kids and then we demand from Him that He give us some. Next, we demand that they be ‘normal’ and ‘healthy’. Just look at all of the possible prenatal testing, with many results leading to abortions. Many people aren’t interested in having an ‘abnormal’ child. They want their children to be ‘successful’-beautiful, smart, famous, whatever! For us, however, we have felt strongly that God does not discriminate. He loves each one equally. Christ died for all, that ALL might become a part of His family. I guess we felt that He loves these little ones just as much as any other and we wanted to be able to give at least one child the love they so deserve.

We had an intake meeting in early September and began filling in paperwork. We had to do a criminal record check, child intervention check, general medical exam, fill out a long survey about our family history, and get references. After about a month we were able to move on to the next step. We enrolled in a one-month course in November (on weekends) called Orientation to Caregiver Training. It’s designed to allow you to better understand what types of kids are in the social services system and begin to show you how to raise and love them.  Next was our home study. A social worker came to our house three times for 3 or 4 hours each time and asked us every question imaginable about our upbringing, our values, interests, family life, marriage, work, school, reasons for being in the program, etc. We had a really nice social worker and so went through this stage with ease. The same week that we completed the home study, we finally had an appointment with the fertility clinic-right before Christmas on Dec. 22.

How were we feeling about fertility treatment at this stage? Uncertain, but still interested. We’ve felt all along that if we are able to conceive, great, but if not, that’s ok too. So, we went to the appointment with open minds. We’d done blood tests, an ultrasound, etc. previously, but they re-ordered those tests, plus a few more.