Commentary on the Ordinary

The whole topic of infertility has been weighing heavy on my heart for a number of days now and this post will be very personal as Jen and I are struggling with this prospect.

Conservative statistics on the internet have the infertility rate at 20%. Even in my age group at church (20-35 year olds) there are a number of couples struggling with this possibility as well as some of my married friends back home in Australia. Though infertility is becoming more and more common in our day, little is done to minister to these couples at church.

So in what ways can people in the church encourage and minister to those affected by childlessness? Here are some of my thoughts…

1. Be in prayer for these couples. Encourage and minister to them by praying with them… be specific with your prayers and realize that God is sovereign even over infertility! Pray against the onset of bitterness in their hearts. Childlessness is disappointing for couples and it is easy for them to be embittered.

2. Following on from that… give couples who are struggling with infertility a voice in small groups etc. Make them feel comfortable to share what is on their hearts regarding this. Listen to them even if you can’t relate to what they are going through. Again Pray with them… ask them questions – be real with them! I can count with two fingers, the number of times someone with children has asked me about our struggles.

It is easy for these couples to get ‘left out’ especially at prayer time when it’s time to share. If these couples feel insignificant in the life of the group, they will stop attending and with that comes greater spiritual problems for that couple.

Finally, if you are talking about a parenting issue that a childless couple might not fully understand, please don’t fob them off in the conversation. A lot of the time they want to be involved in the conversation so that they can learn….

3. Get these couples connected with older, more spiritually mature couples in the church who have gone through the same struggle. To be honest, I have no idea who has in our church – no one talks about it!

4. Let infertile couples celebrate the gift of children with those who are pregnant. Many people who are expecting will keep the news of their pregnancy a secret from those who can’t have kids. And I know that a lot of the time the expecting couple means well and is trying to be sensitive but please don’t avoid any mention of children or pregnancy. Your awkwardness will only make the couple feel awkward in return. Most childless couples are happy and excited to share in the joy of their friends who are expecting.

That said, if the couple is becoming indignant towards people who are blessed with children – there is a deep rooted problem associated with idolatry. Children shouldn’t define who the couple are – It is God who defines. Again be fervent in prayer and be open with that couple about this… they might not like you poking at their idols but trust me, they will thank you later for it.

5. Don’t offer reasons or excuses for God. Telling a couple why God may not want them to have children is not only painful, it’s presumptuous. Also don’t assure the couple that “God will give them a child.” It might not be God’s will for that couple.

6. Please don’t try to make the infertile couple feel better by telling them they are “lucky” not to have to deal with the stresses of having children.

7. Include childless couples when celebrating events like ‘Mother’s Day’ and ‘Father’s Day.’

Have you any further thoughts on this topic? I know that a lot of this is from my perspective and I would like to add more dimensions to the discussion.